Percy Jackson: The True Nature of the Gods
by LordoftheTogas
Summary: Percy Jackson, now eighteen years old, is thrust into the world of Greek Mythology... he did not expect what the Gods were truly like. With a bipolar Hades and Zeus high on coke, Percy certainly didn't know what he was getting himself into. Rated M. *Season I: Percy, Meet Mythology(it sucks) now up!*
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello! This is my first fanfiction story, so please no flames! Helpful criticism is recommended, though. This is a Parody of the Percy Jackson series, and does not include the Heroes of Olympus. Sorry. **

**This story is **_**rated M**_**, for sexual themes/content, use of drugs, and language. Just a warning. **

** I would like to start off with the Prologue and you can tell me if I should continue or not. Thanks!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Percy Jackson series, Rick Riordan does.**

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** -Prologue-**

_Everything that Rick Riordan has written about the gods is a lie. In fact, every mythological interpretation of the gods is serious bull shit. The foolish mortals denied the true nature of the gods, because they wanted to believe the immortals were role models._

_ Percy Jackson always thought that if the gods were real, they would be perfect models for human's lives. Now eighteen years old, he is thrust into what Greek Mythology is really like._

_ Hestia is an arsonist, Dionysus is a drunk, Zeus is obsessed with coke, Ares is a homicidal lunatic, Hermes is an annoying little shit, Hades is a bipolar choad owner, and Demeter is blind and deaf. Hephaestus is suicidal, Athena is a bitch, and Apollo and Artemis are homeless druggies. It seems as if Aphrodite, Hera, and Poseidon, who is the father of Percy, are the only level-headed Olympians around. Watch as Percy learns just how messed up the world of Greek Mythology truly is.  
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**A/N: So how was it? Please let me know in your reviews. Should I continue or no? Awaiting your answers,**_  
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**-LordoftheTogas**


	2. Season I: Introduction

**A/N: I am so sorry for everyone who has read this story. Things got very hectic over the past couple months, and then I had a huge case of writers block. But enough of the excuses. On with the chapter(finally) **

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-Season I: Episode I-

Percy was having a very strange dream. In his dream, there was some kind of a throne room. To say it was chaos was an understatement. There were people getting high on all kinds of drugs, others screaming and running around everywhere. A tall, blonde haired woman droning on and on about things that would make anyone listening brain explode with confusion. Oh yeah, and there were also a few suspicious moans coming from afar.

Percy woke up with a loud pounding on his door. His girlfriend, Annabeth, walked in with a bright smile on her face.

"Good morning Percy", she said. "Are you ready for the last day of school?"

"What are you talking about, Annabeth, I don't even go to school!" Percy replied in confusion. "Is there something wrong?"

Annabeth bit her lip and said, "I'm sorry, I just had something on my mind." She quickly looked away and started tapping her foot. Percy didn't question further, but he knew something was up. His stomach growled suddenly, and Annabeth laughed.

"Why don't we discuss this over lunch, okay Perce? It sounds like you're hungry, and so am I" Annabeth suggested.

"Alright, but we are going to Burger King. All I have is a ten dollar bill that I had to mug a hobo for. I swear he was trying to grab my dick, that son of a bitch," Percy said. "Besides, my piece of shit car won't drive more than 6 miles at a time, and it leaks gas that I never even pay for."

Grabbing his keys off the couch, Percy left the small apartment he and Annabeth owned to start the car while she went to put decent clothes on. When she came out, Percy finally got the pitifull green sedan to sputter to life, and they drove to the most local Burger King Percy could find.

Once inside, Percy observed the register. A man with clothes that did not look like they belonged to his gender man greeted him.

"Hi, my name is Apollo Francesco, how may I help you!" The man greeted Percy with a smile that was as radiant as the sun.

"Yeah, can I get a whopper?" Percy said.

The man got a seductive smile on his face, and swung a leg onto the counter while taking his belt off. Whipping out his meat, Apollo replied "One whopper, _cumming _right up!"

"HOLY SHIT!" Percy exclaimed."Let's get out of here!"

Grabbing Annabeth by the hand, Percy rushed out of the restaurant, and drove swiftly back to their appartement.

"What the fuck was that back there?"Percy questioned, pacing back and forth. "Remind me never to go to any Burger King again."

"Percy, there is something important I need to tell you," Annabeth said seriously. "It may come as a shock to you, and I really don't know how to explain it but…

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**A/N:And there you go. I'm sorry it's so short, but I promise the next update will be longer. **

**-LordoftheTogas**


	3. Season l: Camp

**A/N:And here we are with chapter 2 of Season one. This one is a bit longer. Hopefully it will bring a few laughs. And I'm sorry for all grammer/spelling mistakes. I am writing this for your entertainment and to practice my writing because I have never been good at English in general. Ever. Someone told me about this 'beta' thing. So if anyone could help me figure it out, please PM me. Thanks!**

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Season I: The Camp

"What the fuck was that back there?"Percy questioned, pacing back and forth. "Remind me never to go to any Burger King again."

"Percy, there is something important I need to tell you," Annabeth said seriously. "It may come as a shock to you, and I really don't know how to explain it but all those greek myths you learned about"-

"What are you talking about, I never learned anything about greek myths." Percy asked in confusion.

"But what about all those times I quizzed you?" Annabeth asked.

"Oh, those." Percy replied. "Yeah, I kinda guessed on all of them. You know a spur of the moment thing. You would ask a question, I answer correct and as a reward we shag. Simple. I didn't think you actually expected me to remember all that stuff."

"Percy!" Annabeth exclaimed. "The whole point of 'guess correct and bed the sexy woman' was so you would work hard to _remember_ what I taught you."

"Well, it's not my fault you are so great in bed!" Percy said in defense. "You blow my mind, among other things. If you're catching my drift. Pickin' up what I'm putting down. Flyin' wi-"

"Okay Percy, I get it!" Annabeth interrupted, flustered. You have to remember at least a _couple _of them. Like?"

"Um, well lets see. There's the, ah, the Herno."

"Hermes?"

"Yeah, Hermes, dammit don't interrupt me woman! And the leader, president, um, like the ah, dictator named Zara-"

"Zeus, the King of the gods?"

"Ah, duh, that's what I said. Are you deaf or something?. Also there is that one water dude, um , Poolside, right?"

"You mean Poseidon."

"Yeeeeeeeeeeahhhh, right. Look we are wasting time. So basically you are telling me that Poseidome, Zoog, Hermo, and all those other guys are actually real. And that they are watching my every move, and that they are listening to every word I say? Even as I am speaking now?"

"For the most part, yes" Annabeth answered."And you, Percy, are the son of one of them."

"How do you know?" Percy asked sceptically.

Annabeth smiled. "For one, the color of your hair and eyes. Oh, yeah, and it also has to do with the size of your dick, too."

"What do dicks have to do with anything?" Percy replied.

Annabeth's smile grew until it stretched all the way across her face. "Everything. Now come on, in the morning I will take you somewhere everything will be explained. But until then, take me on another journey. Where are we going tonight?"

Percy smirked. "Baby, I'm taking you to the moon. Permission for takeoff?"

Annabeth pulled Percy down onto the bed, shedding clothes as she went. "Permission granted." The moans of the two sextronauts could be heard all the way from Earth. Meaning the next door neighbors. Who called the cops.

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The next morning, Percy woke up with Annabeth's nude form on his chest, and he smiled. Slipping silently out from under the covers, he walked over to his dresser and pulled out clothes for the day. Boxers, jeans, and a blue T-shirt. Like every day. Sliding into the kitchen, Percy checked the fridge. "Shit!" he swore. "Out of food."

"Is there _any_ still in there?" Annabeth asked, walking up behind him.

"Nope. Want me to buy some now or later?" Percy inquired.

"No need. Where we're going has everything you can think of. In fact, we should leave now." Annabeth stated.

"Um, hope you don't mind if we steal a car, because my rusted piece of shit sure won't make it out of town. By the way, how far is this place?" Percy asked.

"Not too far, and I don't mind. Just make sure it's a fast one." Annabeth told Percy.

Out on the street, Percy walked down the road, slashing tires on the cars he hated. One old man walked up to Percy to confront him.

"Don't you dare touch my car, you little bastard! Kids these days, drinking out on the streets and killing each other. I'm calling the cops if you don't get off my property. And I mean it!"

"Hmmm..." Percy contemplated, "On second thought, this car will do nicely. Annabeth! I got a ride this dusty cumsplocht let us use."

"Really?"

"No. Now get in. Hurry!"

The man, realizing what they were doing, chased after his stolen vehicle."You crazy mother fuckers! Assholes! I'll get you. The cops'll get yinz, and when they do, I'll harvest your bodies and feed 'em to my hound! HEY!"

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_Later, on the front page of the New York Times._

_**Senile man gets ran over by an ice cream truck, while yelling into thin air. Bystander Percy Jackson states that "Oh, yeah, the old geezer was always this way. It used to be worse. One time he ordered Benie Babies for his garden. Dumbass actually thought they were actuall beans. It worked out in the end, though. He used them as sex dolls instead." No word is coming from any of his family members.**_

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"So, about this place" Percy said, striking conversation," Is it like a camp or something?"

"Yes, a summer camp for people like us."

"Like us? What do you mean?"

"Oh, here we are. Trust me, Grover will explain everything. Now come on, it's just over this hill."

Abandoning the car, Percy followed up the hill behind Annabeth, noting the ugly old pine tree at the top that was split in to and hanging perilously in the sky. When they reached the top, Percy swept his gaze over the valley below and was speechless. When he finally found words to vocallize, he was thoroughly confused. So he settled with a simple,

"What...the...fuck?"

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**A/N:And there we go. In the next chapter: What will happen after Percy sees the camp? Please Review, and don't forget to PM me about this 'beta' thing. I am a fanfictard, so help a brother out!**


	4. Season l:Percy, Meet Mythology(it sucks)

**A/N: As promised here is the next chapter. Oh yeah, and for some reason there was a problem with the chapters. If you went to chapter two, chapter three was not visible. But it was when I first clicked the story. Not sure what was happening, but I'm sorry for the inconvenience if it still is. Review!**

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-Season l: Percy Jackson, meet mythology(it sucks)-

After Percy got over his initial shock, he spun around and swiftly walked away.

"Hey, where are you going?" Annabeth questioned "Come on, we need to see Grover."

Percy turned to face her. "Look Annabeth, do you see this place. It's horrible! There is no way I am going down there." Once more Percy's gaze moved to the chaos of the camp. "Seriously, what kind of camp is this? One for recovering serial killers or something?"

Annabeth sighed, and grabbed Percy's shoulder. "I know how hard it must be seeing the truth, Percy. The mortals go to amazing lengths not to either. But you have to trust me. Do you trust me?"

Percy closed his eyes and them opened them again. "I do, Annabeth, with my life." He stated.

"Then you must believe me when I say this. That camp is special. It's for people the same as we are. Children of the gods. Demigods" Annabeth said.

Percy pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "I understand what your saying. And I will go down there to see Grover, _if _you prove to me that the gods are real. By introducing me to my father." Percy challenged.

And so the two demigods walked over the crest of the hill, and down into the chaos below. Passing teens setting fire to trees and slicing each others' legs off, Percy quickly followed Annabeth. When they reached the bottom of the hill, people in groups held guns and smoked who knows what, like some form of gangs. And when one group raised their weapons, and shot their opponents dead? It just proved Percy's theory that this place was completely insane. Following Annabeth to the right, he was met with a large dirt field.

Annabeth looked behind her. "These would have been wheat fields, but like Demeter her children are blind and deaf. Not to mention they eat the seeds as soon as they get them."

"Well, why doesn't someone else get off their ass and do it?"

"Because if we do it, Demeter will get offended and change the seasons around at random." Annabeth told Percy.

"Oh. So are we going to that large barn-thingy over there,by chance? Which coincidentally has a satyr leaning on one of the poles."

Instead of answering, Annabeth kept walking until they reached the steps of the big barn-thingy. She approached Grover and pointed at Percy.

"Grover, this is Percy. He's a son of Poseidon. Percy, this is Grover." Annabeth introduced. "He is the only satyr we allow at camp. Mostly because his brothers all try and rape the young boys here."

"Well that's pleasant. So all the satyrs are pedophiles?" Percy inquired.

"Every. Last. One of them." Grover replied with a wolfish grin on his face. "But on to more important things. Annabeth has told me to explain the gods in more detail for you. Well, forget anything she or the rest of the mortal world says. The truth is, the gods are no better than mortals. Well, most of them." Grover explained.

Percy interjected. "But I always thought that if any gods were real, they would be perfect. You know, like role models. Isn't that why they are gods?"

Grover started laughing hysterically. "Come on, Percy! The gods, perfect? What a joke. The so called king of the gods is a cokehead. He's been snorting so much that half of his brain has melted. Not to mention he's always had hallucinations. No, as the oldest, Hades would rule. But he sits down in the underworld and mopes about his choad. And who does that leave?" Grover asked.

"Poseidon, right?. My father." Percy answered hesitantly.

"BINGO!" Grover exclaimed. "Your father is the second born son to Kronos, and the only mentally stable of the three sons. He is the obvious choice. Wouldn't you say?"

"Yes. But why is everything wrong in the history books and stuff, then? I can understand wiping out the drugs and crap, but why not still have Poseidon as king?" Percy questioned.

"An excellent question." Grover continued "You see, there was a blind poet named Homer, who despised the gods. Mostly his father, Apollo. That's because he inherited his dick size. Anyway, he twisted the stories to test the gods. The only person he didn't change was Hades. Kind of hard to twist someone who sits in Hell and mopes all day, anyway."

"But, why are you telling me this?" Percy voiced his thoughts.

"Well, because y-"

Just then, a bright flash illuminated the room. When it receded Poseidon was left standing there. He smiled at his son. He then turned to Grover, and kicked him over the porch banister into a dumpster. And sealed it shut with his godly powers.

Turning back to Percy, his smile reached the sides of his face.

"Dad?" Percy said hesitantly.

"Percy, my boy!" Poseidon said happily. Throwing an arm around his shoulder, he said. "Hold on tight. We have much to discuss, when we arrive."

"Arrive where exactly?"

"On Mt. Olympus, my son." Poseidon said. Then, holding onto Percy, he flashed out of the camp. A few minutes later Grover's disoriented head popped out of the dumpster.

"Oh my, I feel like shit." He said. A few teens walked over and opened the dumpster. Glancing at Grover, they dumped in the dead bodies of people they had wasted earlier, and slammed it shut. Inside of the big metal box, Grover whimpered.

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**A/N: There you have it! Next: What will Percy make of Mt. Olympus? Please Review! And if anyone can figure out what was happening with the chapter issues, please PM me as soon as possible. Come on, help a brother out!**


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